10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. She said, Wow, instant reply. You are about to put a lot at stake here. Something is often wrong when an ex comes back into the picture years later. You havent heard from your ex in years, and theyre contacting you out of nowhere. We invested a lot of time in one another so it's nice to learn how the other is turning out. His or her inquiries, requests, or demands, as well as the approach and attitude your ex chooses will soon reveal why your ex contacted you after so many years. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. Perhaps they have even started dating soon after the breakup. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. Out of curiosity: if you ever reached out to an ex boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband/ wife years later: what did you want out of it? Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. Perhaps you could lend me an ear?. You dont dictate the pace, criticize your ex, or talk about the breakup. You are busy. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. Its kind of like the phrase about not lending money to friends if you cant afford to lose it. Ignore it. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! I confirmed that I had actually found out I was pregnant with his child shortly after we broke up but I didnt abort it. When you know why he or she reached out, youll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea. I tried so much to get her to stay but ended up hurting myself really badly in the process as she was my first so I really wanted it to work. I haven't reached out because I think he's married. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. This is particularly common with exes who feel stifled in the relationship, and as though they were missing out on something else by being with you. He tried to hint that he was looking for an affair and then I blocked him. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about it? Additionally, make sure you tell your partner when yourex contactsyou so it doesnt appear as if youre hiding anything. Does your ex normally ghost you for many months and then re-establish contact like its the good old days? It will only convey the message that you are still miserably hung up on them. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. 12 Things To Remember When You Run Into Your Ex, 7 Unspoken Boundaries For Being Friends With An Ex. Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean that it will happen on your terms. Once you give in to the temptation and reply to their message, you might be left utterly confused about their motivation for texting you. Outside the bedroom, you werent compatible at all. If one of my exes reached out to me years after the break-up Id know that their personal lives have become a great disappointment and now theyre reevaluating what they foolishly threw away years before. If youre focused and working on your goals, will your ex become a distraction? We talked briefly. We are on opposite sides of the Country now which makes it hard, but not impossible. Maybe you thought youve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. First off, it's good to pause before responding. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. Society typically tells us that people don't change. Do what's best for you. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. It was like a weight lifted. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. If this companionship usually hurts you when they ghost you again, its better not to indulge in it. He got married but still contacted me for some reason. . so yeah. My ex contacted me after 10 + years. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. My ex messaged me after a year. For some strange reasons, exes seem to pop up when were at our lowest, making it easy to forget about how terrible the relationship was and give in to their charms. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. And I felt much better letting him know how much I'd cared about him during our relationship even though I hadn't expressed that in words well enough back then. I understand someone might just want a quick chat. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later? A closure response. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. Last Updated on October 11, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester. Thank you for being you. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. It was two years since the end of the relationship this September and I feel like I have wasted two years of my lifetime. You are moving on and they are jealous. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). I'm ashamed to say I panicked and hid. I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. This is super interesting as information. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. But telling him things that would hurt him? Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. He had no intention of getting back with you romantically. She has grown up and matured a lot in this time, as have I. He agreed. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. I get why you feel the need to give this person closure, but please know: that's not your responsibility. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. Thank you Zan for your perspective. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. You were important to each other once. The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. Seeing your ex after a long time could be extremely overwhelming. I'm Sorry for What Happened His email said that he'd had some things on his mind. Throw out an invitation to hang out in a super low-key environment. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" Keep me posted. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. I'd done something he considered cheating. September 8, 2022 by Zan. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. If the relationship ended bad, let's say cheating involved or constant arguing while together I'd say let it lay and don't bother. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. In searching for the familiar, we may be drawn back to past times in our lives when our cares seemed so much lighter than they do now. Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. I've never really had the desire to reach back into the past, but I have to say it's been nice to remember how different I was when I was young and laugh at myself. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. The first time was about 6 months later. I was unable to provide the support he needed at the time, as I had not healed and wasn't ready to let go of my trauma (my therapist says I didn't want to relinquish the power he had over me - that it was a continuation of the abuse.) Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) Do not use it as an opportunity to continue the mud-slinging. They're angry with you. It's a long story. Dont reconnect expecting the relationship to start back up at the depth it existed years ago. After carefully analyzing every possibility, when you finally respond, it turns out all they wanted was the phone number of your dog groomer. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment for ridiculous reasons. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. Whats going on? When they meet up with their ex years later, they come to the same conclusion and decide to get back together. I suggest you contact your ex or have someone contact him for you. Maybe it is best to let it be. Good emotional support is tough to come by out there in the cold, dark dating world. Its difficult to find someone who accepts you the way you are. Sure. His best friend from high school saw me there and recognized me. Since then he has reached out different ways every 3 years or so (emails, instagram) and I never replied. If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? When people are experiencing anxiety and fear about their health and well-being, and uncertainty has become the weather and the climate," they often want to make amends with people from their pasts. Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Heartbreak Burnout. Loneliness will cause us to scroll through our phones and contact people we wouldnt normally. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University. They may sincerely hope to reconnect with you and get back together even though it might not look like that on the surface. Definitely not. I don't want to cause problems between him and his gf/wife. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. But some people are lucky enough to meet that one person who accepts everything about them. Just take your time. He also had trust issues before we got together. And this isn't just a one year anomaly either. My ex was the dumper and sent an e-mail after 4+ years of no contact. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. Your ex has been in your life for five minutes now and it is not okay to have a lovey-dovey conversation with an ex when your partner is sitting next to you. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. I feel bummed and embarrassed but nothing I could do. I had blocked her and all her family on social media so no one could know what I was up to and I could just disappear. Until that happens, you dont do anything. I did some things in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. Why Are My Exs Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me? Just a comment on the "closure" part of Your post: no you don't. ), I reached out 1-2 weeks ago (2-years later), got no response. Writing back right away will only give. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Yeah - no. His reply is 'the plain human courage shown by the people of Vietnam', instead of the . So, you spent three sleepless nights wondering about their true intention behind a simple Hi. After years of single life and suffering from loneliness, they decide to get back together with their ex. Nothing will raise your chances of reconciliation higher than when your ex reaches out to you after he or she has had the time to think thoroughly. My advice is to not get distracted by what your ex says too much and instead look at the things your ex asks or expects from you. Video calls with loved ones are really meaningful when youre not getting to see anyone outside of your own reflection in the mirror. He or she can take their pain and sorrow away and give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. It was important and felt good. Want to know more? Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. For a person who has been dumped in a relationship, no contact offers that much-required time and space for healing. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. Im not talking about questions about your exs life, but rather about his or her reasons for reaching out. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. I imagine he just wants to check up. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. You dont owe anyone an explanation for not responding. The following four steps can help you work through the process. He sent me another not long after, again I read it and deleted it. But your ex cant seem to help themselves and wants to try and drag you down to their pathetic level. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. Before you type out an elaborate text asking for an explanation, pause and think about your life right now. And also, if youre looking for 1-on-1 help with your ex, check out our coaching page. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. If your ex talks nicely to you for a little while and then doesnt talk to you for weeks, that could mean that your ex got what he or she was after. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. It helps us feel less alone and like were among others when we do video calls, but they also can drain energy when youre also spending long days on work video conferences. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. You might end up immediately assuming things like: Is this a new start to our relationship? And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. Your life will probably look a lot different now to when you were with your ex. If the relationship was abusive, its not advised for your physical and mental safety to get back with your ex. We suggested you to not reply too soon when exes come back after no contact. Anger is part of the journey to acceptance and moving on, so if they're still holding anger, resentment, or bitterness, they haven't totally healed. Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. Reach out because youd like to reconnect to see where someone is at in their life, to share a memory of past times, or offer a show of support and caring. "You can't compare the person who you experienced a first or early love with to someone who you've had a deep abiding love with for many years through the course of a . I dont think there is a deep hidden meaning here. I was living about 1.5 hours away at the time, had moved away even before our break-up. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. When exes come back after no contact, it startles you for a second. Part of the need to re-connect is driven by the ambiguous threat of the pandemic and, practically speaking, part of it is likely due to the greater number of hours of alone time that we may feel the need to fillto get our minds off our own circumstances, in some cases, and focus on something more positive, or at least feel like were doing something to support someone else. He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me. | Thats why he or she breaks the rules of no contact that he or she has been following religiously and gives you some of your power back. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Press J to jump to the feed. The SPIVA scorecard, which allows investors to compare the performance of actively managed funds to that of passive funds in the same category, tells a chilling story. ETA: He's the one who dumped me. $1000 is a lot of money, so you should try to peacefully get it back. He's not doing well mentally. I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. An ex suddenly reaching out after they broke up with you can be very confusing. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. hat would hurt him? But if youve received an adequate amount of closure after breaking up with them and actually have been able to move on, it could be easier to respond or even ignore the text. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. When this no-contact situation casts its shadows on your ex, they will look for opportunities to get in touch with you. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. 1. We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. Most adults in their 40s and up spent long hours on the telephone as teenagersthey were the way we deepened friendships, kindled romances, and were able to comfortably whisper our deepest secrets or express our angerwhen there was no other way to get close to the friend, romantic interest, or ex-romantic interest. They were also more likely . Strangely, I am going through health issues and was quite surprised about his message. Wish him good luck. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. It is okay if he contacts you after so many years. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. I'll respond when she texts but it's usually something really superficial and she doesn't make an effort to continue a conversation anymore. (I mean, obviously, right?) The fact that you moved on and found happiness all over again on your own, draws them back to square one. It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. :). Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. He was. Substance use doesn't negate the fact that you put me in the hospital multiple times and caused me significant trauma, PTSD. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! Its up to you. Other rekindled friendships will wane and possibly evaporate again, but they will leave the friends feeling better for having connected. The next time was about 5 years after that. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? Many exes contact their previous partners years later. You and your ex may not be friends on social media, but theyve managed to gain access to your page, and they know all about the wonderful life youre living without them. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. Maybe you were really close with one of your exs friends or family members, and theyre either seriously ill and on their deathbed, or they died suddenly. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. When were scared, we long for the familiar, and right now, many of us are afraid or concerned in ways that we havent been before ever in our lives. This helps us in two different ways. No one says you need to entertain them. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. I had an ex reaching out to me after 4 years, he left me for someone else but never owned up to it after the breakup, but I knew and so did many of our friends. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. But he and his wife are in local choirs so I reached out because Im interested in that myself. However, before taking any action, you should listen to what theyve got to say, get some advice, and dont respond. After several failed relationships, your ex has realized they want you back. One impulsive move can shatter everything. You can do one of two things, listen to what your ex has to say, or ignore them. There are several reasons why exs reach out years later, including they are just checking up on you, they want to offer a sincere apology, or they are jealous of your happiness. We dated about 8 years ago and he reached out around the 5 year mark. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. This isnt the time to look for alternative sources of happiness. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. Talking to an ex after years can haunt you with memories, so buckle up. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. After some thought, I decided not to write my ex back, and to treat the apology with a little bit of stoicism. What to do if an ex contacts you after years isnt the easiest thing to decide. Im guessing shes trying to do something to clear her conscience. Theyre not quite sure what, but that phone call,text message, or email is met with suspicion, and rightly so. When your ex reaches out after a long period of time, odds are they've changed. It felt good verifying that intuition. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because shes back in my life and in my mind. Programs. Now that you are planning your life with a new person, the chances of your ex-partner getting back together with you are practically zero. That is, why exactly exes pop up after a breakup in the first place? When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again. Might even make it a little easier to connect with my kids. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On (in 1997 she broke off an engagement she was 22 and I was 28). But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. I'm very happy with my huband and I know that I made the right decision for myself, but I feel bad that it hurt someone else. When were young, we think we know it all and even if we were more timid or reserved, most of our teen-aged selves had a set of friends who got us, even if we were still figuring out who we were. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. An ex could disappear by ignoring you or by ending the conversation and staying out of contact afterward. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. Ex Royal Marine, 34, who was forced out of the military after he developed tinnitus and hearing loss when 'useless' earplugs 'fell out' during training exercises wins 700,000 payout I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else?
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